This just in…

Greensboro — HazMat Crews from the Triad converged at the Farmer’s Market on Sandy Ridge Road to clean up the remnants of a lactic acid spill left by bicyclists after the inaugural 07 Tuesday Night Ride. The cries, whimpers, and groaning as well as shaking heads and shrugs were all the comments reporters could gather. Could it be that this group will be going faster in June? That remains to be seen.

One rider, called El Torro by his companions, was heard to say, “We left together, but it was as if a bomb went off in the peleton — riders were scattered everywhere — the humanity!” Overcome, he was unable to continue.

DOT officials have dispatched road crews to the scene to clean up the carnage. “Yep, the’ll be busy through the night. Goo spills, puddles of HEED, and an occasional leg are what we’re finding,” reported Ance Larmstrong. “Based on the evidence, it appears that some form of ritualized cannibalism occured.”

“Yes, the charge of peleton cannibalism is very disturbing. We’re checking into it right away,” stated ADWA chairman, Pick Dound. “Cyclist cannibalism may provide riders with an unfair advantage.” Anonymous sources stated that riders pulled eratically, moved to the front, pushed the pace, blew up the peleton and left others for dead. Others merely sat on and once a rider blew himself up for the group, the group surged forward and waited to devour another.

“It’s merely a case of early season testosterone poisoning,” stated team doctor and trainer, Dr. C Gellis. “March is for base miles, unless your ramping up for a spring classic, but I don’t think anyone here will be doing any of those.”

Clean up crews will work through the night. Roads should be clear by the morning commute. Those displaced from comfortable sitting positions or suffering from throbbing legs will no doubt pound down the vitimin I, sleep soundly, and dream of the big breakaway.

At last, at last….

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