1. When you sally forth to attack the enemy, show your contempt for him by the haughtiness of your nose blowing.
2. Confuse your enemy with mixed metaphors. Be like the wind beneath his hammer.
3. All warfare is based on deception. When the enemy draws near to you on a county-line sprint, cry out, “Look out behind you.” When he turns to look behind him, attack.
4. Always make the others pull on the flats. It is the way of the patron.
5. Always keep the hair of your head shorn close to the scalp. Nobody likes hippie bike racers.
6. All warfare is based on deception. When the enemy draws near to you, cry out, “You spilled Goo all down the front of your tunic.” When he looks down at the front of his tunic, attack.
7. Never borrow your wife’s blood just before a battle.
8. Demoralize your enemy by whispering and giggling and then suddenly going silent as he rides near. When he asks what you were talking about, say, “Oh, nothing.”
9. Never allow your men to paint flowers or colorful swirls on the sides of their bicycles. Nobody likes hippie bike racers.
10. Confound your enemy with precepts that sound profound but actually make little or no sense. Be to him as the stallion is to the arm warmer.

shamelessly borrowed from John Kearney